Balls-shaped Politics

Summer holidays offer a chance for deeper and more analytical reflections on the world around us. For the past few days, I’ve been turning over in my head the question of why so many politicians seem obsessed with balls. Recently, in the window of a gallery in Lyon, France, I saw a poster of former French President Jacques Chirac with a cigarette in his mouth and one of his famous quotes:

"These days we transplant kidneys, hands, and hearts—everything except balls, because we lack donors."

Chirac certainly had balls—or at least the literal kind—which he happily deployed in a string of extramarital affairs that his wife Bernadette bore with silent suffering. Not that her stoicism excuses his infidelity. Madame Chirac simply assumed the traditional role of many French first ladies who, in the name of the Republic and national interest, discreetly ignored their husbands’ indiscretions. These affairs were, at least until Macron, so common they might as well have been added to the official motto of the French Republic.

Liberty, equality, fraternity—and have you seen the President’s mistress?

Presidents like Mitterrand and Hollande had lovers. With Sarkozy, it remains unclear whether the fidelity issues were his, hers, or mutual. The love lives of Élysée Palace residents were long kept out of the public eye by both the press—which largely ignored these open secrets—and the public, which, until recently, was surprisingly tolerant of their leaders’ bedroom adventures.

Not anymore. The French have stopped pretending. The dam broke when Chirac’s former driver told reporters the president was known among staff as “Monsieur Three Minutes, including the shower.” Photos of Hollande zipping through Paris at night on a scooter wearing a motorcycle helmet later made headlines even in serious media. Knowledge of how to sneak over the Élysée fence, so to speak, was passed down from generation to generation. When Hollande started seeing one of his penultimate girlfriends, Valérie Trierweiler, he reportedly sought logistical advice from one of Chirac’s old flames. When it comes to sex, it seems even the greatest political divides can be bridged.

Not left, not right—just back and forth.

These days, the French president can no longer count on the public’s silence when it comes to extracurricular activities—although, to be fair, Macron doesn’t appear to need such discretion.

Jacques Chirac was undeniably a president of the old school—but not someone I’d cite as a role model when it comes to marital fidelity or his treatment of women. This isn’t about moralizing the Chirac-Bernadette dynamic; it’s more about the fact that, despite all his Gallic charm, Chirac often courted women from a position of power—and that, to put it mildly, is neither nice nor right.

Chirac liked to project political “balls” as well. Sometimes it was charming, other times less so—depending on the context and one’s political leanings. Of political opponents he didn’t respect, he liked to say:

“If one of my balls is touched, the other doesn’t even twitch.”

Yes, once again—we’re talking about balls.

His macho politics also came through in his belief that leaders are there to lead and that power isn’t something to be shared. Many of his political heirs, in France and beyond, still try to emulate this attitude—though without the French charm.

Chirac also showed political backbone in more admirable ways—for instance, during the Iraq War, when he was one of the few Western leaders to resist American pressure for military intervention against Saddam Hussein. In Slovenian ears—and not only ours—his contemptuous remark about the Vilnius letter still resonates:

“They missed a good opportunity to shut up.”

Chirac passed away last year, so unfortunately, we can’t count on him to repeat the favor.

Balls, as we know, were also a recurring theme for former U.S. President Bill Clinton. A quote attributed to him has stuck in my mind:

“It takes balls, not public opinion,” supposedly meaning that politics sometimes demands the courage to make unpopular decisions. Whether he actually said it or not, we know Clinton had his own issues with his literal testicles—thanks to a scandal inscribed not just in the annals of history, but on the blue dress of a former White House intern.

The current resident of the White House, despite his small hands, is also eager to prove he’s got, you know, big ones. His idea of courtship was summed up by the infamous quote:

“Grab them by the pussy. They let you do it.”

Classy!

Never mind that these encounters were often transactional—and that his crotch-grabbing ways have cost him dearly, financially and otherwise. Lies may have short fingers, but a fat wallet can make up for it.

Given all this, one might reasonably suggest that politics would be vastly improved with fewer balls. Especially the literal kind.

Now, I’m not a fan of stereotyping and I don’t believe women are inherently better politicians just because they’re women. But the fact remains that women are severely underrepresented in politics. That means we’re systematically drawing our political leadership from only half of the potential talent pool. Increasing the number of women in leadership isn’t just a matter of gender equality—it’s a prerequisite for better politics. Simple math.

And no, you won’t convince me otherwise by pointing out the occasional female politician who’s incompetent or unfit. One confused swallow does not make a spring.

We could also use fewer metaphorical balls in politics. Decisions like Chirac’s stand on the Iraq War didn’t require macho posturing, just determination, dignity, expertise, and principles—qualities that are desperately needed in politics today.

Instead, we’re flooded with loudmouths, trolls, and politicians whose masculinity is defined by insults, vulgarity, aggression, and utter contempt for civilized, democratic norms. Whether that proves they have balls, I leave to your judgment. Personally, I’d describe them using an adjacent body part.